Delay in Post Does Not Denote Delay in Prayers

I have been struggling in every day life. I have been questioning my marriage. I have been questioning what I want to be doing in the next five years. I have been looking for a replacement job because the one that I currently hold will soon end.

I have been going to school, although I haven't been tending to my studies as I should be. I have been very sick, missing an entire of week of work. I have been making new friends on the Internet, and enjoying learning about Cambodia.

I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET CLOSER TO GOD.

I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO PRAY.

I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO BETTER UNDERSTAND WHAT GOD WANTS OF ME.

I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT MY MISSION IN LIFE IS.

I confronted my husband, and told him that I have been thinking about divorce. He is trying to make things better. He told me that I am his hero.

I have been trying to trust in the Lord more than ever. I need to remind the Lord that he is my hero.

Dear Lord, thank you for your patience and understanding while I struggle through these many days of confusion and questioning what it is that you have planned for me. You are truly my hero.

Amen.

St. Theresa of Avila

Bible study for adults in my church has started out with a bang! The pastor has begun our study with the review of mystics. Our first candidate is St. Theresa of Avila - and what a character she seems to be! Although her teachings are filled with levity, just in two short Sundays I have already felt the calling to follow her, feeling the need to develop better skills are prayer, a better reading and understanding of the bible, and a more robust contented feeling overall with my spirituality.

St. Theresa has a very fascinating concept with regards to building one's inner relationships with God. She compares it with the building of a castle, one floor at a time. Her short guide "Interior Castle" is highly recommended. I have just began to read it - in fact I had just ordered it online in my last blog.

I hold in my lap a book entitled "The Illustrated World Encyclopedia of Saints", in which St. Theresa of Avila is described as a visionary and a reformer. Her writings are said to be "a testament to her great personal devotion and her thoughts on a life of prayer and contemplation."

Although I don't at this time intend to become a saint, I do hope to achieve some of the skills that St. Theresa is trying to teach in her readings. We shall see I guess.

Dear Diary -

I'm beginning to feel these odd parallels beginning to take shape in my life between what I am thinking or feeling I must do, and what is going on either in church - what I am hearing in the scripture, etc., or what I am getting from others. It has been slow to come to me, but I think today a couple of the small lights started to flicker on.

One of my friends on Twitter, whom I also picked up the idea to blog from, sent me a scripture to look up in the bible today. 1 Peter 4:10 "Each of you received a spiritual gift. God has shown you his grace in giving you different gifts. And you are like servants who are responsible for using God's gifts so be good servants and use your gifts to serve each other."

There is absolutely no way that my new found friend could understand the inner struggle that I have been enduring the past several months. Since feeling the calling back to God I have had this feeling that God wants something from me, he has a plan for me, but I'm just not quite understanding him - I'm not hearing him clearly yet.

I have been frustrated, like a new student in a foreign country trying not only to learn a new subject, but listening to an instructor in an language I have never heard before. I'm trying to be a good servant, I want to serve God, I am looking forward to that special calling, and I can almost feel it --- but it's just not there yet.

About a week or so ago I was perusing books available for bidding on eBay, looking for something spiritual - hoping something would reach out to me. The book entitled "Interior Castle" by St. Teresa of Avila popped up, and I didn't even wait for the bidding to end - I clicked the "Buy it Now" feature, and it was mine!

The following Sunday was the kick-off of Bible Study in our church. Our pastor has started a study on mystics, and he has began to describe a process by which St. Teresa of Avila, a mystic of the mid to late 16th century, built her relationship with God along the principle of that with which one would go about building a castle.

I didn't put the two events together - Bible Study and the ordering of the book - until tonight when I got home from work. That's when the mail had come and I received the book in the mail. I had actually forgotten that I had even ordered it.

Clearly to Lord is working hard to tell this airhead something! What is it? What am I missing? I've been feeling as if I need to reduce the expenditures at home, reduce the overhead, get a less expensive house even, in order to give more, but my husband said he has to draw the line there. I recently received a small settlement for something, and I think I gave quite a bit of it away.

I'm working on trying to change my career. I want to work in the human Services field for the remainder of my working years. What I would love to do is some sort of mission work, but I have two teenagers at home, and we are working on adopting another one.

What am I missing here? Is it right before my eyes? As first I thought it had to do with animals, but now I am sure it has to do with more than just that, it's deeper than that. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

James 3:13 Two Kinds of Wisdom

"Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom."

I am still thinking about the Women's retreat at my church on Saturday morning. How the one special guest speaker was so gracious in making what started as a very awkward moment for me into a moment of envy to be had by all of the mothers at the church instead.

Without possibly knowing it, our pastor's message was perfect. In fact - I didn't even realize it myself until many hours later. Earlier this evening my husband asked me what the sermon was about (he missed service today, he wasn't feeling well), and I could tell him about bible study, but not about service for some reason. I just didn't click.

KABAMM! It clicked in a big way - I just went for my bible, and what do you know? I think about that sweet woman who wrapped her arms around me, jealous that I forgot all about women's presbytery retreat and went to Wal-Mart with my son instead, and I get it.

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. She wasn't disappointed that I missed the first half of her presentation and singing. The fact that she had drove quite a distance, gave up time to be with her own son, missed his leaving to go on a school trip, just to be in my church, did not stop her from understanding that life happens, she is wise in her good deeds, she was humble in her acceptance.

Absolutely amazing. That I one day be the Christian that she is.

Dear Diary...

It's been a weekend of discovery. Saturday I attended a portion of a Presbytery women's retreat. I say portion because, typical to my light-headedness (despite my attempts to write it down AND carry the church newsletter calendar around for two weeks in my purse), I went to Wal-Mart Friday night with my youngest son rather than go to the first half of the retreat. I was truly looking forward to that 2-day celebration for women, but as my introduction did promise, I am an airhead!

I felt so dumb as soon as I walked through the doors and all the ladies from the church asked (of course you know they did) "well, there you are, what happened to you last night, did you forget?" Well, I figured I'd try to make the most of it, so I boldly stated "You know how I am, I forgot all about it, I went grocery shopping with my son at Wal-Mart instead!" Then I proceeded to explain all about my attempts at reminding myself...

The ladies at the church smiled and patted me on the back; they are becoming accustomed to my forgetfulness (I'm 43, mind you - they are start about my mother's age).

But what kept me from heading into the ladies room (and staying there!) was the fact that one of the women from the music group/guest speakers gave me a great big hug, her eyes lit up, and she said real loud, in front of all those church ladies "I'm so jealous! I would have given anything to trade you places and go to Wal-Mart with my son!" The joke then became, "Next year when we plan this we will go gather up Kym from Wal-Mart...!"

What fun, and what Christian spirit that young woman exuded to our group, just by that simple action. That is what it's all about, isn't it? I realized yesterday that it truly is the little things, and I have a long way to go to get there.

I have been a Christian my whole life I guess, but for a long time I either didn't remember that, or didn't live by it, or both. I grew up going to church with my grandmother, therefore I thought of myself as a Christian, but I don't believe I was ever baptised in my grandmother's church. Was I still Christian, truly then, as a child? I thought I was....

I stopped going to church some time in my pre-teens. I'm not quite sure why, but I think it had to do with the fact that my grandmother didn't go quite as often as she used to.

But, the very cool thing was, when I was a Junior in High School - a time when the drinking and running around on the weekends was at a very all time high - I started going to church again. I joined a teen group then known as Teen Life, which was started in the basement of the wrestling coach's house. I was baptised in the Baptist Church my senior year of High School!

One very cool thing I just have to share with you that absolutely can't wait for a later post: my daughter, who is a Sophomore in High School (the very same) goes to what is now known as Campus Life, led by that very same wrestling coach!!! This is her 3rd year as a member of that group.

Back to me... After High School I stopped going to church again. This is where this day's blog ends. The next blog will begin where my days back in the grace of God picked back up.