Dear Diary -

I'm beginning to feel these odd parallels beginning to take shape in my life between what I am thinking or feeling I must do, and what is going on either in church - what I am hearing in the scripture, etc., or what I am getting from others. It has been slow to come to me, but I think today a couple of the small lights started to flicker on.

One of my friends on Twitter, whom I also picked up the idea to blog from, sent me a scripture to look up in the bible today. 1 Peter 4:10 "Each of you received a spiritual gift. God has shown you his grace in giving you different gifts. And you are like servants who are responsible for using God's gifts so be good servants and use your gifts to serve each other."

There is absolutely no way that my new found friend could understand the inner struggle that I have been enduring the past several months. Since feeling the calling back to God I have had this feeling that God wants something from me, he has a plan for me, but I'm just not quite understanding him - I'm not hearing him clearly yet.

I have been frustrated, like a new student in a foreign country trying not only to learn a new subject, but listening to an instructor in an language I have never heard before. I'm trying to be a good servant, I want to serve God, I am looking forward to that special calling, and I can almost feel it --- but it's just not there yet.

About a week or so ago I was perusing books available for bidding on eBay, looking for something spiritual - hoping something would reach out to me. The book entitled "Interior Castle" by St. Teresa of Avila popped up, and I didn't even wait for the bidding to end - I clicked the "Buy it Now" feature, and it was mine!

The following Sunday was the kick-off of Bible Study in our church. Our pastor has started a study on mystics, and he has began to describe a process by which St. Teresa of Avila, a mystic of the mid to late 16th century, built her relationship with God along the principle of that with which one would go about building a castle.

I didn't put the two events together - Bible Study and the ordering of the book - until tonight when I got home from work. That's when the mail had come and I received the book in the mail. I had actually forgotten that I had even ordered it.

Clearly to Lord is working hard to tell this airhead something! What is it? What am I missing? I've been feeling as if I need to reduce the expenditures at home, reduce the overhead, get a less expensive house even, in order to give more, but my husband said he has to draw the line there. I recently received a small settlement for something, and I think I gave quite a bit of it away.

I'm working on trying to change my career. I want to work in the human Services field for the remainder of my working years. What I would love to do is some sort of mission work, but I have two teenagers at home, and we are working on adopting another one.

What am I missing here? Is it right before my eyes? As first I thought it had to do with animals, but now I am sure it has to do with more than just that, it's deeper than that. We'll see what tomorrow brings.